Brain Times

Just Dead


In which we find ourselves in a spot of trouble

The first thing you come to realize, when the world comes to its end, is that you're completely screwed and you're going to die. Many people hope to realize something more profound at this point, but unfortunately for them the threat of imminent death brings most people to a state of profoundly earthly reality.

Now, movies may have led you to believe that, given the right circumstances and requirements, you could easily charge into a group of assailants, leaving their fists flying through the air in your midst, bowling them over as you plow through them dramatically... this premise can be easily disproved through the simple technique of accidentally walking into a doorhandle. Go on, find a doorhandle that seems suitably unbloody (and blunt) and give it a try. Walk into it hard.

Ow. Yeah, hurts doesn't hurt? Stop crying, you're being too loud. Do you want the hungry dead? Because this is how we get the hungry dead. Hopefully this has put things into perspective for you... no? Look:

If a doorhandle is enough to incapacitate one, rest assured that the starving teeth of the recently deceased is more than enough. You can charge into their masses all you like, but all you'll be doing is adding to them. At this rate, you might even embarrass them. Is that your strategy?

Be smart. Be nimble. Be quick. But don't try jump over that candlestick.


And don't rely on being nimble -- we still have shoelaces. Don't rely on being quick, doorknobs are everywhere. Don't rely on candlesticks - darkness happens, and we're really rubbish in the dark.

Most of all be smart - people are still driving around, more recklessly than usual (if that's a thing). There's still unbroken glass, really to strike. A good gash could kill you faster than a tooth graze would.

There are still doorhandles, previously humanity's only natural enemy, ready to bite down hard into exposed flesh. Why, humanity, why? Why did you invent such evil? Their sharp, biting... doorknobs are perfectly good substitutes, there was no need to bring handles into it. That's probably when we really lost our handle on things, when we handed it over to our enemy.

Look before you leap - be brains, not food.

And watch out for those doors.


Feature: the most dangerous people in the world

Who's stopping the walking dead out there? These guys are.

  1. NotTheDuck with 339 re-deaths.
  2. BluStormFlux with 267 re-deaths.
  3. LordMouse with 172 re-deaths.
  4. Daleth with 11 re-deaths.
  5. AppleUser with 7 re-deaths.

Feature: the deadest people in the world

Who keeps becoming the walking dead, time after time? These guys do.

  1. LordMouse with 14 own deaths.
  2. NotTheDuck with 13 own deaths.
  3. Viat with 9 own deaths.
  4. BluStormFlux with 6 own deaths.
  5. bergen.larsen with 5 own deaths.